The Pros And Cons Of Paranoia And Infatuation
by HULY
Summary: After learning of Sakuma's true face, Tatsuha realizes their relationship wasn't what he thought. Heart broken, he vows not to fall in love again until Utena loses a duel. And she did. And Tatsuha fell in love with Hiroshi Nakano. And so it began.
1. Chapter None And A Half

Title: The Pros And Cons Of Paranoia And Infatuation  
  
Rating: R  
  
Major Pairing: Tatsuha/Hiro  
  
Summary: After learning of Ryuichi Sakuma's sadistic tendencies, Tatsuha decides that the relationship just wasn't what he thought. The young monk's heart broken, he swears to never fall in love until the end of eternity. Wow. The end of eternity seems to have come a little before expected, because low and behold, Tatsuha fell for someone new. Who? Hiroshi Nakano! Why? Nobody knows! But the reason doesn't matter. When Tatsuha Uesugi wants someone he gets 'em, and his eyes have now fallen upon the guitarist of Bad Luck! With the help of his trusty Utena DVDs and FAKE books, Tatsuha has decided to win Hiroshi's heart, no matter what! But was that really such a good idea?  
  
Disclaimer: The Pros And Cons Of Paranoia And Infatuation belongs to Happy Utena-Loving Yuki. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami.  
  
Warnings: Shounen-ai/yaoi, references to the Gravitation Remixes, OOC, and some other things the average person might be offended by if they haven't read Gravitation and like the homosexual aspect of it.  
  
HULY: Welcome to The Pros And Cons Of Paranoia And Infatuation! Or just Pros And Cons for short. I really appreciate all the people who're reading this because they're INTERESTED and not because they feel like flaming me. This story was inspired greatly by the sixth volume of Gravitation and the sixth Gravitation Remix. And I'm going to have a lot of fun with messing around with Tatsuha's character. Meh heh heh... I've made him like me in quite a few ways; an addiction with Shoujo Kakumei Utena and FAKE, tendencies to stalk people and be perverted, and an unhealthy dose of paranoia. If you don't know Utena or FAKE, then you should find out what they are because they are AWESOME!!! The Utena anime and FAKE manga is full with homo goodness. So, anyways, I wanna say thanks to Raynedark, Darklore Wings, and Sage Cedar in advance because they've really helped me a lot with this. I hope you like the first chapter and the rest of the story. Enjoy!  
  
---  
  
Chapter None And A Half  
  
---  
  
Hello. My name is Tatsuha Uesugi, and I'd like to tell you...  
  
Uh...  
  
Shit. What do I wanna tell you?  
  
Not a "little about myself." That's fucking stupid. What am I, Utena?  
  
Sure as shit not "a story." I hate it when someone says that. If I do, it's like, break out the voodoo dolls, we've got another life to screw up! (Sometimes literally, too. Hoorah for the screwing!)  
  
Lessee...  
  
I dunno.  
  
I've got a thing I REALLY wanna tell somebody about, but I can't tell someone who'll blackmail me with it, laugh at it, or get it wrong, and that pretty much crosses out everybody I know personally.  
  
Well, anyways, I guess I'll just start at the beginning.  
  
"It all started after that curry explosion."  
  
Naw, just kiddin' with ya. Though there isn't much difference...  
  
It all started after that cooking show.  
  
Where I got Ryuichi Sakuma's cell phone number from Hiroshi Nakano.  
  
(I was s'posed to get one off 'a Noriko, but she wigged out on me in the last minute. Bitch...)  
  
ANYWHO, so, yeah. I had my God's number and I wasn't afraid to use it.  
  
I called him, and at first, he thought I was Tetsuya, but after about six hours I finally got him to remember me.  
  
So, we talked for a while and he said he wanted to talk again sometime, so we got together a couple days later.  
  
And we kept getting together a few times, and then he invited me over.  
  
But, uh...  
  
Quote: "I don't care if you rip or not, so just shut the hell up so I can enjoy myself."  
  
Turns out Sakuma's a sadistic as a masochist following the golden rule.  
  
And when I say sadistic, I don't mean just a little bit of ow or some mini-SM. I mean real BDSM with leather, chains, whips, and everything.  
  
I couldn't fucking sit down for weeks, much less do it with all my GF's.  
  
So, they dumped me, and I dumped Sakuma.  
  
And got a restraining order on him, so that he can't come back to Japan unless I'm out of the country.  
  
And so, that's how many years of obsession with Ryuichi Sakuma were put to rest and I was a free man.  
  
I told myself NEVER would I get together with another guy again until Utena lost a duel.  
  
That was when I'd only seen up to the curry episode, and so I kept my word and fell for someone new.  
  
Stupid Touga...  
  
The someone who I fell for is probably one of the most unlikely people I could've.  
  
Hiroshi Nakano.  
  
...........  
  
I really have no fucking clue what so fucking ever as to why the hell I fell for HIM.  
  
I mean, sure he looks like a chick and gives off an easily dominated vibe, but hey. So did Ryuichi, ne?  
  
On the other hand, so does Shuichi...  
  
And Utena, too...  
  
Okay, taking into account that I've already become obsessed him (Nakano Hiroshi; birthday: August fourth, blood type: B, height: 178 CM, sexual orientation: yet to be confirmed, eating orientation: vegetarian) and that he's technically single, I've decided I'm gonna get him. Because I love him, and like they say, all's fair in love and bore. Or something like that...  
  
So, I'll bet you're wondering how I'm gonna get this hottie Hiro.  
  
Well, I've gotten a few ideas:  
  
1. Get Hiroshi drunk and find someone online who'll mary two dudes even though one is drunk and doesn't want to and gay marriage isn't illegal. Then tell him your pregnant so he can't divorce you.  
2. Kill Ayaka and then pretend to be her and that she got a sex-change.  
3. Resort to black magic.  
4. Resort to blackmail.  
5. Resort to black leather. Rawr.  
6. Offer Hiroshi sex lessons in exchange for his hand in marriage.  
7. Convince Hiroshi that acting like New York cops will be fun.  
8. Pay some girls aniki-hair to corner Hiroshi in a dark alley at night, and then rescue him after they've gotten his pants off, and after that tell him about the rule of eternal slavery to the person who saves your life.  
9. Add a six to the beginning of it. Yum!  
10. Get a red convertible and ask Hiroshi if he wants to see End of the World.  
  
Since the previous things prob'ly won't work, I'd say I should go with my eleventh idea:  
  
Something else.  
  
So, yeah.  
  
I just thought I'd tell you this, so you can know what the hell's going on in the future when I'm following around Hiroshi.  
  
I guess I'll see you later or something.  
  
Bye!  
  
---  
  
HULY: This story was supposed to be posted a long time ago, but when I first emailed it to one of my online friends, she just went nuts on me and abandoned me. (Speller-Sama is her name on here. Look her up and send her a note for me, will ya?) So, I was kinda scared to post Tatsuha/Hiroshi... But that's when my friends came in and posted up two stories for me! (Their names on here are Raynedark and Darklore Wings. Look 'em up and read their kewl stories for me.) And so, uh... Not that you really care, but I just felt I should say that or something. I hope you guys'll enjoy the next chappie, when I write it! Thanks and bye! 


	2. And You Thought Living With Your

HULY: I would like you all to thank Lady Insomnia's coming into this world for this chapter. It 'twas her emails and birthday that got me to update. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LI-SAN!!! (If you hold any offense to me making your name into an acronym, please beat me with a breadstick. Also, I'm not an inconsiderate person who didn't think about our different timelines. I know that this isn't your birthday now, but I want it to be your last present. And not one that's five months late, either. Otanjobi omedeto!) On a less important note, the uber-shibby coincidence of the FAKE manga, Utena anime, and Gravi book six all being made in '97 is something I find highly amusing. Now, onto the chapter!  
  
--And You Though Living With Your Mother Was Bad--  
  
The world fuzzes into clarity as I open my eyes to an uncaring living room. An aniki's living room, but heck. Uncaring. Aniki. Same thing, right?  
  
Well, anyways, I'm wake up and immediately notice that I've bent and drooled on my FAKE book!  
  
"OHMYGODNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I yell and attempt to atone for my sins by curing the soul-broken manga.  
  
And it works! All better. Yay!  
  
"What the HELL are you doing NOW? Caressing a fucking BOOK?!"  
  
I look up from my position on the couch and see Eiri; looking as disgusted and pissy and usual with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.  
  
"And what the hell are you doing? PMSing?"  
  
Take that, aniki!  
  
"...I suppose you also think Shuichi is pregnant and that Mika has wet-dreams. That is some shit of a school 'tou-san is wasting his money on."  
  
He walks into the kitchen and I hear him open his can of 'weiser.  
  
Maybe I should try to find his book of insults...  
  
"Aren't you missing your flower show?"  
  
I gasp in horror and remember the thing I shouldn't have forgotten in the first place.  
  
"UTENA!!! SHIT!!!"  
  
I tackle - literally - the space between me and the TV and quickly switch on the square of sodomy. (Eiri and I only use the TV for porn or something else just as good, like anime.)  
  
"Watashi wa, sekai wo kaeru!"  
  
Sighing with relief at the fact that I didn't miss my daily dose of homos and incest, I stare blankly and let myself be absorbed into the cryptic speech of Mikage and Mamiya.  
  
...I suppose I should explain why the hell I'm living with Eiri in the first place.  
  
Long story short, voodoo plus furnace equals big kaboom.  
  
Back to what goes on now, besides the slutty sis of the man that is a girl glaring at Himemiya.  
  
There is a yawn and a little Shuichi wrapped in nothing but a sheet walks in with half-lidded eyes, while muttering about Seguchi, daisies, and cheese.  
  
"Ohayo, Shuichi!" I call, still mostly focussed on the screen.  
  
"Ahustat, oyaho..." he says, speaking in the backwards language that is sleep-talking.  
  
"Hey, Shuichi!" calls Eiri from the kitchen. "Why don't you put some friggin clothes on?"  
  
"Etihsuod? Ustanp...?"  
  
"Because my brother is over and he's a horny teenage who fangirls around hit band members."  
  
Shuichi shuffles back into the bedroom and shuts the door.  
  
"Poor boy suffers from pink hair syndrome." I remark smartly! 8D  
  
"Riiiight." So much sarcasm drips from my aniki's voice, that I could drown in it like a drunk in his soup.  
  
"Ne, ne, Yuki!" Shuichi squeals really loud-like. "I'm gonna go to work now! Sakano'll pick me up a creezint or something, so I don't ne--"  
  
"CROISSANT, you mongoloid." Eiri yells, sounding annoyed again. As usual. Like always. "CROISSANT. It's French."  
  
"...Okay! Well, uh... I'm gonna go now!"  
  
He pauses.  
  
I don't care. I'm watching Kozue get PANTS. PANTS!!!  
  
"I said, I'M GONNA GO NOW!!" Shuichi says again, hoping that aniki will burst out and give him an early morning make-out session.  
  
"Good fucking riddance." Eiri stomps out of the kitchen and points to the door with the hand not holding a can of beer. "Now get the hell outta my house."  
  
"FINE!!! I Mika-san comes over, cuts off your balls, and feeds them to Seguchi's tarantulas while I'm gone!"  
  
All three of us wince at that really graphic picture.  
  
"Ugh. You make me sick. I'm going to go die now." Eiri groans and walks into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. "I'll see you when you get home."  
  
"Okay! SEE YA LATER, YUKI!!!"  
  
The strawberry bitch nuisance skips out of the house merrily.  
  
Waiting for the magical words "Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku," I watch through the preview of the next episode.  
  
"What the fuck?"  
  
Nanami gets a cowbell?  
  
What IS a cowbell?  
  
Not enough time. I have to get to NG or else I won't be able to see enough of the beautiful one!  
  
Stepping into my shoes, I call, "Aniki! I'm going out! I'll be back later!"  
  
"I'm a bit too busy barfing to really give a shit."  
  
"Cool. Ja!"  
  
--  
  
Stealthily, the handsome spy-agent-dude Double Oh Fuck Me trails his evil brother's really-annoying-yet-somewhat-attractive-assistant-slash-piece-of-ass, Shindou Shuichi, in order to find the much-more-attractive-and-extremely-attractive-guitarist-slash-person-who-will-soon-be-his, Nakano Hiroshi.  
  
Yeah. I'm following Shuichi to work so I can watch Hiro. I've done ever since the second day I lived with aniki and it's fun.  
  
I use the ID Seguchi gave me, show it to the receptionist, and just sit in the hallways reading FAKE and just listen to his guitar and voice and watch him as he walks by. It's really awesome.  
  
So, anyways, I go in and show the lady my card. She smiles and nods for me to go in.  
  
God, I hate it when people like that smile. I just want to SQUISH THEM!!! Like bugs and Tohma.  
  
As I walk up the steps to the fifth floor where my lovely awaits me, I get the feeling I'm being followed.  
  
I turn around, and there are two security guards.  
  
Fuck...  
  
"Look, kid!" calls the pudgier one. "We don't wanna hurt you, but we've noticed that you've been following Shindou-san around."  
  
"Shuichi?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah." he says, approaching me cautiously. "Now, we don't want any trouble, but it'd make alotta people more comfortable if you weren't around so much."  
  
"You think I'm stalking SHUICHI?"  
  
"No. Of course we don't." the second one says, also slowly walking up the stairs. "It's just that you're scaring some of the people who work here. Now, if you'd just please leave with us calmly and carefully..."  
  
Leave equals not see Hiroshi.  
  
Not see Hiroshi equals miss opportunity to go out with him.  
  
Miss opportunity to go out with him equals die lonely and being dominated in last round of sexual intercourse.  
  
Solution? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AS THE MASTER SEME!!!  
  
So I make a break for the closest door, and the doughnut OD-ing dude who aren't protecting diddly-shit run after me as fast as their fat little legs will carry them.  
  
Running in the hallway of Godknows which floor, I curse my rotten, stinking, filthy, horrid, evil, bad, bad, no good, shit luck.  
  
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fu----" I stop my muttering of my favorite obscenity as I crash into something.  
  
Someone.  
  
Who really cares?  
  
"Oh, shit. I'm so sorry." I hear a very sexy voice say. "Oh! You're... Yuki-san's brother, right? Tatsuha-kun?"  
  
That scent! That voice! That aura! Could it be...?  
  
I look up into the face of Nakano Hiroshi, and the angels sing.  
  
-Bwa ha ha.-  
  
HULY: Urm... I hope you enjoyed it and whatnot, but I still want you all to wish LI-san a happy belated birthday and read her fics. And go to her MSN group!  
  
http:groups. msn .com / Gravitation---feelthepull (--Remove spaces, of course)  
  
It'll be a really cool Tatsuha/Hiroshi page when more people get into it. So go on and join, my little lovelies! 


	3. First Name Basis!

I'd like to remind everyone reading this story that the Utena anime series, movie, and both mangas are spectacular - series and movie especially - and that you all should buy them, rent them off Netflix, or mooch them off a friend. It's just perfect for you people who liked the remixes, but were slightly disturbed by the amount of detail, force, and violence. And they've got Tohma's Japanese seiyuu as the fiancŽ of the person who has Sakano's seiyuu as his bitch! You HAVE to find that SOMEWHAT amusing! Here are two more slightly interesting facts:  
1. Gravitation doesn't belong to me.  
2. Tatsuha's seiyuu was born on June ninth. (Which can be seen as 6/9, depending on how your system works)  
3. This was intended to be updated in... Urm... Early October. And now I shall credit Dan Shive and say, "IS THAT A DEMONIC DUCK OF SOME SORT?!" while running from all angry readers.

First Name Basis!  
---

"Tatsuha-kun?"

I blink.

"Urm... Oh, yeah, sorry, Hi- Nakano-san." I mumble, looking at the ground because HELLO!! He can't know I like him just yet and I'm probably SO FREAKIN' RED IN THE FACE!!! "Uh..."

"Dude, I'm so sorry. It's my fault." I see a hand in my line of vision- a very sexy hand, at that - and I reach for it. "An---"

"H-Hey!" yells (gasps/wheezes) one of those fucking, asswhipe, fat, fat, fat, fat, FUCKTARD security guards. "Stop r-right there, young man!"

Shiiiiiiit.

Officer Tubby Lardstein and his sidekick Chunky The Fat Man Wonder catch up to me and start panting to Hiroshi.

"We're very sorry if this man has bothered you and we're assisting him out of the building right away," the first says.

"Ah, but you see..." Hiroshi says and sighs before they - or I - can do anything. "This is Seguchi-san's brothing-in-law."

The security guards blink.

The guitarist nods solemnly.  
"Oh... Uh... Aheheh..." The second guard coughs, and thinks he now understands just why I've been here so often for so long. (Does everyone know about Tohma's crush on my brother?!) "Very sorry, Yuki-sama-san. I didn't... Um... Come one, Sano."

"Eh? Oh. H-hai!" stutters the fatter/firster one.

They both rush off.

There's a small silence.

"You know that was kind of gross." I say, because I'll be fucked by Shuichi before I'll be hit on by Tohma.

"Which is why you should be glad Seguchi doesn't see the likeness between you and your brother."

Seguchi hit on Tatsuha death to the evil Tohma vermin by squish!

"So, before we were so obecely interrupted," says the master of the Androgynous Macho technique wittily. "You can call me Hiroshi. I mean, we're practically in-laws. Or something..."

If I weren't trained to be oh-so-very-sly-and-sexy with my emotions by my dear aniki, I probably would have started drooling and mumbling like Tsuwabuki around Touga. Or, more likely, squealing and glomping like JJ within a one-million mile radius of Dee.

"Um... You're right, but that's a kinda bad... Way of putting it." I chuckle, acting nervously disturbed.

"Oh, yeah. That was friggin dumb considering we just got off that topic." Hiroshi looks embarrassed and doesn't know that he just made my day.

Who cares if I've gotta act like the freakin' fruitcake of hell to get with Hiroshi?!

"So, uh... What're you doing here anyway?" he asks, still looking so ADORABLY flustered!

"My brother told me to bring Shuichi his lunch. He forgot it again." I hold up the box of vegetable sushi that I was going to eat myself and had stealthily hidden away.

Quick save!

"Oh. That's right. He did say something about you moving in, didn't he? ...Well, he technically, he said a lot of somethings about that..."

Hiroshi laughs and I see a drop of sweat roll down his face.

Fantasies of being the Dios to his Utena and lickin' that drop away cross my mind.

Oh dear God. Let my dreams someday be a reality! PLEASE.

"So, I guess I can give that to Shuichi for you. So you don't have to wait," Hiroshi offers a hand, this time to take the sushi.

"Hm? Oh, okay. Thanks." I hand it over, and I'm sad 'cause I know our encounter is coming to an end.

But I can't do anything, or else I'll look like a fuckin' nut job and all my previous acts will have been for nothing!

Curse you, God. Why does it have to stop here?!

Why?

Why?!

WH--

"I've got break in like half an hour," Hiroshi says, cutting off my pessimistic (ooh! big word!) train of thought. "Wanna go out for coffee or something?"

"Sure." I shrug. "Then I'll meet you..."

"The lobby."

"Okay! Thanks."

"Ja."

"Ja."

OhmygodohmygodohmygodTHANKYOU!!

---

And that's all you get for now. I'm sorry it wasn't all that good. I thank Dan Shive again and disclaim the following statement,

"HEY!! IS THAT A DEMON DUCK?!" 


End file.
